Something really interesting happened last night and I want to tell you all about it. I’m in this online group whose premise is all about rewiring our mindset, healing our money blocks and making room for the new.
One of the challenges we had this week was to feel into our stuckness and sit with whatever character showed up in our subconscious and then invite it to have a conversation with us.
So a couple of nights ago, I set the scene (soothing music, sage burning, candle lit) and allowed a conversation to unfold.
What came up was a Gruffalo-like character in these eerie woods. Sad, and almost hunched.
I asked this part of me to tell me its side of the story: “I want to stay small. I want to stay here hidden away where no one knows who I am, where no one can hurt me or make fun of me, or judge me. I don’t want all that flow and abundance because then I’ll start standing out. No one ever listened to me. No one ever took any notice.
“An abundant life will make me different. All I want to do is hide. I want to be sad and comfortable here in these dark woods where no one bothers me, where I know it’s safe and I know what to expect, and I don’t get disappointed. I don’t want things shifting where suddenly I can’t hide anymore – where I’m forced out there where it’s bright and too much.”
And on the conversation went, until we reached a very peaceful resolution that felt really good.
The following day, I felt like sharing this amongst the women in this closed group. Many of them had been sharing their stories and we’ve been learning from each other all week – recognising familiar limiting beliefs and adding them to our lists for clearing, and cheering each other on for physical decluttering each and every single day (always powerful to clear out in the physical when we’re aiming to clear out the deeper stuff).
I typed out the post, in a little more detail than I have here. Plus because I’d had a rough day with the boys (in truth, it’s more like a rough six months), I also felt like sharing the fact that I had tears rolling down my cheek once they were in bed. Tears of exhaustion, confusion and despair. I wondered whether the heightened tension within our household had anything to do with my stepping up the way I have in my business and life in general.
I wrote and then I posted it. Half an hour later, I was back at the computer and I saw a ‘like’ from someone who I’m friends with. Oh, I thought, is she in the group too? How lovely.
First thing I did was check the members of the group. You know, to make sure.
But she wasn’t a member.
OH MY GOD, DID THAT GET POSTED TO MY PAGE?
Remember when Monica and Rachel lost their apartment in Friends?
Well, that’s exactly how I’d sum up my reaction. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sheer panic. Quick as anything, I went in and deleted it. I didn’t even take the time to copy and paste.
Horrified, and embarrassed, my mind raced on about who might have read it.
And here’s where the irony began to shine. I wanted to hide. I wanted to run away. And in that second I vowed never to post anything ever again.
This is NOT the kind of thing I post up on my Facebook page, by the way. There are swathes of people who haven’t got a clue what I do, or why I do what I do, who I could just imagine wincing at the story of me sitting down conversing with some big hairy monster voice inside me to then come to some ‘resolution’ around money and flow.
I mean seriously!
I could feel the judgement. My mind went crazy… well, if they didn’t think you were a freak before with what you do, they sure do now!’
It was unbearable. I didn’t want to feel that way, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to stay in that place, so I started tapping. I tapped away for about 20 minutes.
Within 10 minutes, I was already breathing easier.
By the end of it, I couldn’t care less what people read about me.
And then something bigger than that previous voice rose up inside and asked me to take a good look at the situation. Was that really a mistake? Or was that exactly what was meant to happen?
Yes of course! Here I was writing about wanting to hide, away from judgement and criticism.
And what should happen, but the baring of my innermost thoughts paraded for several hundred people to see and read.
It’s time, I heard. Time to heal this part of me that is so scared of other people’s judgements. The part that puts others’ opinions above my own. The part that needs their approval, that worries what they’ll say about me.
Because of this fear, I have held myself back. Because of this fear, I have given my power away.
Because of this fear, I have played small.
I choose to release the power this fear has had over me. I choose to clear this out.
The very fact this was divinely orchestrated gave me so much peace. I leant it and felt immensely comforted.
It’s my thoughts about myself that are important – as Brad Yates puts it.
I also found more courage. I wrote about the funny side and received so much amazing support.
I then felt like a bath. A real cleansing bath. Epsom salts, bicarbonate of soda and some essential oils. Lavender and Cedarwood came to mind. Lavender because ‘it calms the insecurities that are felt when one risks their true thoughts and feelings. It addresses a deep fear of being seen and heard’. And Cedarwood because ‘it inspires the feeling of belonging and assists the heart in opening to receive the love and support of other people. Cedarwood supports individuals in seeing that they are not alone’.*
And today, well, I seem to be posting it here for even more people to see!
Yes, you can heal those wounded parts of you. Yes, you can move past your blocks.
And next time you feel like hiding away and crawling underneath something large and darkened, ask what it is that needs your attention. What do you need to heal?
Write it out, tap it out, burn it out. And if oils are your thing, find one that will help you release that crap.
* From Emotions & Essential Oils. Lavender and Cedarwood are also incredibly calming for the nervous system and very healing for the skin. I love this combination.